The Impact of Suicide

Many of us live our lives complaining about this, and worrying about that, and dramatising about this (me included)….and then one day something comes along and slaps us in the face so hard that our life is never the same again. My slap in the face was on the 2^nd November 1998 when my brother decided that he didn’t like life anymore, so he chose to end it. Just like that! Another slap came in the face in March 2010 when my in-laws decided to end their lives together, again just like that!

Now I had already dealt with suicide and it took me many years of pain to come to terms with my brother, Gary’s death. It was long journey that cost me my marriage and my health. Not long after his death I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease, I think the emotional impact of his death brought it on. When I was diagnosed I refused medication and to this day refuse it, choosing instead to stick to a strict diet and positive mindset. So far so good!

When earlier this year, I was faced with the double suicide of my in-laws, I handled it very well. Most probably because my husband and I don’t live together anymore, however we have kept our family unit close together. We still share family meals at least twice a week and other family outings. So the first person to be called when my husband discovered the suicide pact was me. I believe I went numb inside, having been through what he was going through now, and some sort of ‘I must be the one to take control’ instinct set in, and that is exactly what I did. Having gone through this with my own family, in an ethereal sort of way I could be the calming influence over his family.

During the crisis there were times when the overwhelming feeling of grief enveloped me, the memories of that grief that I experienced with my brother, but somehow I was now immune to it. I put it down to having gone through so much dark emotion with Gary’s death, that somehow now I belonged to a club that only a few unfortunate people were forced to join. Never in a million years did I expect my husband would also join this awful club. The Club of those who have been left behind after suicide. It is indeed one of the most horrendous experiences to go through to have someone you love take their own life.

So those of us left behind are left with an overwhelming feeling of guilt. We question did we do enough? Should we have been more aware? Why didn’t we spend more time with them? Is it my fault? And, we live with these unanswered feelings and questions forever.

For my family, and myself, my brother’s death changed all of us. I wonder if he had known the impact it would have on us, would he have gone through with it? I wonder if my in-laws knew the devastation they left behind would they have gone through with it? Did any of them think about what it would be like for a family member to find their bodies? Obviously not, because the horror of it is far too awful to write here.

The majority of the population go through some sort of drama in their lives where they feel it’s all too hard, but fortunately, most of us get through it. For those whose life seems so dark and bleak they see no other way out than to end it all. If only they would reach out, and ask for help. If only, they could see what those left behind endure, and endure for a lifetime.

The purpose of this Hub is that I hope anyone who is contemplating ending their life, read my words and experience the sadness we go through. Life really is an adventure and none of us know what is around the corner…most probably something wonderful!

This blog is something rather different from my usual writings, however I am passionate about the prevention of suicide and hope my words can inspire.

In 2007 I finished a manuscript on this journey www.seemingly-sane.com I hope it may prevent one death and comfort someone who has experienced losing someone to  suicide.